Ugliest beauty trends ever!

Beauty trends are so transitory. One decade girls want to look so thin like they just survived Nazi camps and in another decade, colossal sized posterior and mammary glands are seen as attractive. But sometimes, there is just no excuse for these horrendous crimes against fashion, beauty and humanity, mislabeled as beauty. In no particular order I give you,

5.  Lip disc

This beautiful accessory is worn by women of Mursa and Surma tribes in Africa. The lip disc is a status symbol and its size decides the amount of dowry a woman will get. Larger the disc, larger the dowry. The largest lip disc worn was found to be freaking 19.5 cm in diameter.

To get it:

So, how do you get this monstrosity in your lips? Really simple! Just knock out your teeth, pierce your lips and put a plug in that piercing. Then keep stretching it and keep increasing the size of the disks. In few years, you will be the envy of everyone around you. Plus, think of the dowry!

4. Half bald/Full bald/No brows

Before Kim Kardashian embezzled bedazzled people in the West with her beauty, there was Elizabeth Woodville. She was such a great beauty that England’s King fell in love with her after looking at her and married her despite her low background. But there are some differences between Kim and Elizabeth, notably that Elizabeth did not have eyebrows or sex tape or plastic surgery but she did have a giant forehead. No, the King did not have a weird taste in women. It was just the beauty ideal of medieval times. Barely there eyebrows and receded hairline was as sexy as it could get.

To get it:

You can get also get this look by tweezing hairs on your forehead or by rubbing vinegar or quicklime (be careful about rubbing your skin away too).

Elizabeth Woodville, the captivating beauty.

3. Lotus feet

You need to look no further than our neighbor China for our next entry. Lotus feet were the sexiest, most erotic thing possible on a lady. The mere thought of it would send Chinese men….err…I don’t think I need to finish this line. Lotus feet may have started from a concubine who danced with her feet bound. Competition to outdo her resulted in this practice being adopted by other noble women. The end result would be a four-inch small feet.

To get it:

It is advisable to start young if one wants to get lotus feet. So you might not be able to get one, but you are encouraged to practice it on your daughters’ feet. After all, our children are born to fulfill our unfulfilled dreams, right? Start with curling their toes and then breaking them. Then break their arch. Press the ball of the feet and the heels together by binding them with cloth. Keep rebinding them few times a week. If their toes become infected and fall off, don’t panic. It’s a good thing. They were useless anyway. Do practice this at home.

2. Black teeth/Astonishingly high eyebrows

Or Ohaguro as it is known in Japan was the practice of blackening your teeth. Black teeth were considered pretty and not a cause of alarm. Yes, people intentionally blackened their teeth. It is a trend in which men can easily join. It was associated with sexual maturity and loyalty (!!). 

They also removed their eyebrows and drew them in caterpillar like shape close to their hairline. Interestingly enough "rape-seeds" provide the ink for fake eye-brows. WTF Japan?

To do it:

Soak iron fillings in tea or sake (rice wine) and then drink it. It would be bitter, but no pain, no gain. Plus, it might save you trips to dentist as it prevents tooth decay. 

For the caterpillar eyebrows, shave/wax off your eyebrows and then draw them closer to your hair.

Honourable mentions:

And while we are on Japan, I think that Japanese men should also get a special mention. Before Europeans strolled in and made them conscious, the men used to rock this hairstyle.

1. Mustaches and thick brows/unibrows

 And here comes the pride of the list, the beauty practice of Qajar women. This one will be quite popular among ladies because instead of subjecting them to further torture, it liberates them from existing ones. I am of course talking about threading or tweezing of your eyebrows or upperlips. Just follow these Iranain women and walk around flashing your unibrows and mustaches. This beauty ideal has homoerotic origins. Young teenage males were considered “beautiful” and women also tried to imitate the look of a teenage boy. And teenage boys with thin waist were the Justin Beibers for middle-aged Iranian men. Not meant as an offense to LGBT community, only to Beliebers. 

And because they were not comical comely enough, they were made to wear tutu after one of the Qajar kings was inspired by Russian ballet dancers. And from the looks, the legs were also left in their natural state.

To do it:

Don’t go to beauty parlour and if that doesn’t do the trick, draw thick eyebrows and faint mustaches with kajal. Or inject testosterone.

And this is a royal woman! WTF Persia?

This is, I kid you not, a woman and a princess who was certainly not considered ugly. She might even have been considered a beautiful. 

Is anyone turned on? Please do not ever try to contact me or talk to me if you are turned on by this.

Look in those eyes.